On being acknowledged

Recently I received a lot of positive reaction from several sources on my novel, Grace in Love.  It’s a delight to have one’s accomplishments acknowledged, something that doesn’t happen all that often in adult life. Sometimes in life we are fortunate in being part of a circle “where everybody knows your name and everybody’s glad you came,” to quote the theme song from Cheers. If you are part of one, cherish it.

As a teacher, both of children and of adults, I tried to remember to praise people for what they did well. In writing classes especially I pointed out excellent aspects of participants’ stories and poems so that the authors would know what worked well, and repeat it in other projects.

Writers come to realize over the years that their work will be criticized and grow a thick skin. Instead of depending on others’ praise, we learn  to congratulate ourselves when we’ve brought all our skill and talent into play and executed something well.

Why do some people - our colleagues, our friends, some relatives - deny us acknowledgement and recognition for our successes. Well, when I was growing up, it was bad to be “struck on oneself”. Too much recognition might spoil a child, the thinking went; children might imagine that they could do no wrong and that the world would always applaud them. At some point the child would have a rude awakening, so it was best to teach him or her some humility. That kind of parental thinking seems to have faded away in favour of raising children to have high self-esteem. Those who were deprived of acknowledgement as children may not like praising others'  achievements because they long to be the chosen one.

Some people are stingy with praise because it feels to them like admitting that they themselves are lacking. Others, and we’ve all met them, have to put others down to feel good about themselves. Beware of them. Run far and run fast!  That sort of thing doesn't make a better world.

Sometimes we look for praise in areas that others take for granted. It's certainly all right to ask for praise,  because too often drudgery on behalf of others is taken for granted and it's good to point out the contribution you make. That can be carried to extremes, though. I remember many years ago an adult who drew my attention to the kitchen sink and accusing me of never noticing when it had been cleaned. I  should have said, "Oh, it's lovely! So shiny!" Instead, I remarked that sink-cleaning was part of housekeeping and that I'd never expected a medal for doing it.

Others may not praise your successes because your area of endeavour is utterly foreign to them; they don’t understand why it’s important and think you’re fiddling away your time. Instead of talking to them about my interests and achievements I just don't bother, but don't bother to make time to hear about theirs either.  At the same time, I try to be interested in and aware of a lot of things in life. I have no interest in hockey, for instance, but on my grandniece’s tenth birthday, I went to an arena for the first time in half a century to watch her play, and after the game I congratulated her on playing well. I still have zero interest in hockey but I want her to grow up healthy, to show initiative and to enjoy games, so I said, “You were great!” and meant it.